Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize