Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
