Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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