1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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