Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
