she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
