I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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