im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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