He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
