Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
