Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
