my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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