I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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