Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
