Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
