I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
