The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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