He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
