no, he came in my armpit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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