help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
