you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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