i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
