A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
