okay pat passed out under dana's car
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
