Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
