At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
