when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
