I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
