Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
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Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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