just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
