I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
