I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
PANTIES FOUND
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