So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
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You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
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She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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