Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
