i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
