I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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