Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
