The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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