im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The best revenge is premature balding
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
