I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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