Small penises have feelings too.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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