My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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