I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet