i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
