Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
