I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
