every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
we made out on top of his cat.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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