Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
