She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
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