hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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