She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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