I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
