Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
