i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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