ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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